If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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