I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
