I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
