She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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