4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize