News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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