Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
someone owes me an orgasm
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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