using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize