bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
