awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
