whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
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