your parents love me but you hate me
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dignity is for republicans.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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