can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
