we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
