He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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