Capitaan dildo arrescate!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Randomize
