After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
