She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
