the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
