I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
