I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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