worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
