Betty ford says i'm here all night
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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