need another drink. this is the easiest way
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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