At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
