I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I said "one day" and that day is not today
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
