i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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