they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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