my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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