will power is for people who don't want to get laid
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize