Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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