I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
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