i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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