you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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