she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize