Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Randomize
