i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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