I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize