I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
