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I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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