if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
When are your genitals available?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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