My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
