hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Randomize
