eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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