dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
