I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
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