i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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