Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
