this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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