I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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