Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
