Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
