So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
