I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
