GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I will be naked everywhere
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
