Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize