Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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