We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
