you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
