Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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