The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Randomize
