I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
