I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
