You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
