A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize