I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
